


The Same Truths

by RubiesareforHunting



Series: Room Number Seven [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: BDSM, Dom/sub, Erotica, M/M, Top Arthur Pendragon/Bottom Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26229430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubiesareforHunting/pseuds/RubiesareforHunting
Summary: "The older I grow the more I become certain that it makes no difference what words we use to tell the same truths."Marion Zimmer Bradley, The Mists of AvalonCut scenes and drafts from Room Number Seven.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Room Number Seven [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905064
Comments: 29
Kudos: 76





	1. Alternate Chapter Ending, Broken Glass

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is an alternate ending for Chapter 14, Broken Glass. When I was writing the story initially, this was the first ending I wrote. But ultimately it was necessary to give Arthur's injury, and the revelation of it, more time in the story and I also wanted to explore different kinds of scenes with Arthur and Merlin - specifically the one that ended Chapter 13. I wanted to take the time to depict the reality that no matter how good you are as partners, there is always the possibility of pushing too hard or making the wrong call and how it is just as important to navigate those situations in a healthy BDSM relationship, as it is navigating the good ones. 
> 
> In this alternate version of events, Arthur and Merlin return to the Camlan Estate after being snowed in and Merlin is still counting and running equations in his head. Arthur reminds Merlin how to leave work at the office. Enjoy 💋

* * *

That night, Merlin stood in Arthur's room and felt a touch of anxiety, uncertain of where he should place himself. At Excalibur it was easy. He knew where to kneel and where to stand and what was comfortable. But this was _Arthur's_ room. Even after all their time together he still couldn't wrap his mind around having this man and what it meant to belong here, with him.

But Arthur understood. Perfect, clairvoyant Arthur, always knew exactly what he needed.

"You're counting still," Arthur said from across the room, where he was undoing his cuff links. "What did I tell you in the car?"

Merlin fidgeted a little, his gaze falling on the smooth movement of Arthur's shoulders as he unbuttoned his shirt.

"To leave work at the office," Merlin said. "To not bring the numbers home with me."

Arthur glanced at him over his shoulder briefly, before shrugging out of his shirt.

"How many stairs are in the entry hall of this estate?"

"Thirty six," Merlin admitted quietly.

"And how many steps from the landing to my bedroom?"

"Twenty seven."

"How many windows in the front entryway?"

Merlin felt his skin beginning to warm. He had to look at the floor, felt embarrassed and suddenly transparent, because no one, no one had ever noticed him the way Arthur did. And it was a heat under his skin now, something that ached and needed to be sated. But it was also a shame, because he hadn't listened to Arthur. He'd brought the numbers home with him anyway.

"Twelve," he whispered.

Suddenly, Arthur was there in front of him, shirtless, barefoot in nothing but his jeans. Merlin gave an involuntary shudder when Arthur said, low in his ear,

"Look at me, Emrys."

Merlin lifted his gaze slowly.

"Did you leave work at the office?"

Merlin swallowed. Felt pinned by those dark blue eyes.

"No, sir."

"Why?"

Merlin flushed. He tried not to fidget but couldn't help it. Caught himself lowering his gaze and corrected it. Flushed more.

"I...I didn't think you'd notice," he admitted, very softly.

Arthur raised an eyebrow.

"Take off your clothes and get on the bed. No speaking unless it's to use your safeword. And Emrys?"

Merlin waited patiently. Felt every nerve ending in his body humming.

"I want you kneeling."

Merlin swallowed a moan.

When he was up on the comforter sitting back on his heels, he was already half hard before Arthur had ever touched him. Sitting on the enormous bed, he felt utterly content.

Arthur tied him to the support beam over the bed, stretching his arms up above his head in a ladder tie and a chest harness to support his weight. Then he tied Merlin's ankles to his thighs.

He was expecting to be punished, so he let out a guttural shout when Arthur pulled him up by the ties on his legs, and began pumping him in his fist.

Arthur was using lube, and his hands were warm, and Merlin bucked into his hand, panting as he stiffened, the length of him filling until he was mewling short staccato pleas out of the back of his throat.

And then, Arthur stopped. He groaned, sagging in the ropes with a pitiful sound. Arthur pinched one of his nipples, twisting hard, making him arch as Arthur spoke.

"You've done an awful lot of counting tonight, Emrys, so let's put all of your hard work to good use. You'll take thirty six with my paddle. Twenty seven with the misery stick, and twelve with my hand. You won't count them. You will be quiet and not speak unless asked a direct question or to use your safeword. Do you understand me?"

"I understand, sir."

"If you come, we will start over."

Merlin choked on a wail. Breathed into one of his arms as Arthur slid off the bed.

The first time Arthur struck him with the paddle Merlin thought he might come on the spot. He arched, let the heat of the strike bloom across his thigh. Did his best not to make any noise.

He didn't count. He was told not to. He lost track of time, leaning back in his ropes, head tossed, flinching and mewling a little when Arthur hit him. His thighs were bruised. He felt miles high.

In the white space of his mind, he was so grateful Arthur had chosen to hit his thighs instead of his ass tonight - because of all the sitting he had to do at the office. Because Arthur didn't want Merlin to be uncomfortable, but he wanted him to remember.

Merlin cried at the thought. How perfect. How unreal.

"Color Emrys?" Arthur said, pausing his strikes with the paddle.

"Green," Merlin moaned at the ceiling. "Not frustrated. Please don't stop, sir."

Arthur bit his nipple for that, sucked on it and rolled the other in his fingers making Merlin wail. He panted, arching away, because he was so goddamn sensitive and he was so close, and he wanted to be good but he could barely think.

"Please, I..." he moaned, hips flexing involuntarily. "I can't..."

Arthur pulled off him. Slapped him across the face.

Merlin gave a shout as he came, part out of relief. Part out of misery. He'd failed again. And Arthur hadn't even touched him and he wanted his hands, his mouth, something... but he couldn't have them if he wasn't good.

He sobbed.

"I'm sorry," he moaned. "I'm sorry, Arthur."

Arthur gripped him by the chin, kissed his tears as they fell across his cheeks.

"You were so hard, you held off for me so well. But I told you not to come Emrys. I told you we would start over if you did."

He ran a hand over the top of one of Merlin's bruised thighs. Skin hot to his palm and Merlin jerked under his fingers, expecting a slap.

"But you didn't count a single one of those paddle strikes did you?"

Merlin cried, shaking his head as best he could in Arthur's grip.

"No, I swear I didn't, sir. Please. I didn't."

Arthur hushed him gently. Loosened his grip on Merlin's chin and pressed his lips to the corner of Merlin's mouth.

"Quiet now, Emrys, I believe you. It's okay. I believe you. How many with the paddle were you going to take?"

"Thirty six, sir," he said. Whimpered when Arthur began to stroke his heavy cock in his fist again. Slowly.

"That's perfect Emrys, you're so good for me. I know you weren't counting because you took forty."

Merlin moaned. Thrust his hips into Arthur's fist. Not caring about anything other than the slide of skin on skin. Arthur's mouth on his throat telling him he was good. Telling him how good it made him feel.

"So I'm going to forgive you this time, Emrys. I'm going to continue where we left off."

Merlin was clawing at the ropes. He was so close again. How could he possibly survive it, being this hard with Arthur's hands on him?

He sobbed, head thrown back to the ceiling. His hips stuttering on the rhythm as he felt his spine beginning to lock up on him.

Arthur chuckled, slowing his hand. He kissed Merlin's flushed chest. Scratched the inside of Merlin's thighs with his nails. And then without warning, struck the inside of Merlin's thigh with the misery stick.

Merlin jerked with a cry.

He hit Merlin across the insides of his thighs, his hips and ribs. The backs of his shoulders. His chest. He whined. Flinched back, but he was good. He didn't come. He was quiet. Until Arthur tapped his cock with the misery stick. Gently, pacing a sharp rhythm Merlin could feel all the way into the cradle of his hips. He bucked. Flexed his thighs.

They had never talked about CBT before. But it was on Merlin's preferences list. Most men who played with him though, had a hard time with it, because they imagined it was happening to them and that turned them off more often than not. But just tapping him with the misery stick like that had Merlin aching for it. He thrust into each tap. Moaned deep in the back of his throat.

"Sir," he breathed. "Wait, please, may I speak?"

Arthur hummed. Sucked a bruise into his sweat damp neck.

"Go on," he said after he was done.

"I want..." he gasped, arching when Arthur bit his shoulder. Sucked the skin gently. Pinched his nipples one after the other.

"Please I want to do what you're asking...I want...you to hit me there so badly...but I'll come if you do. Please I can't stop it. I don't know how, sir. It's perfect and I want it. I can't stop. Help me, please? Please?"

Arthur moaned into his neck. Stroked him once from base to tip. Thumbed Merlin's aching slit as he nipped at the shell of Merlin's ear.

"Oh Emrys, that was so beautiful, so good for me. How could I not help? You're perfect love. Anything you need. Just one second okay? Try not to relax."

Merlin ground his hips up into Arthur's hands when the cock ring slipped down to his base. He struggled. Gasped and mewled, until Arthur tapped his balls with the misery stick once. It was a sharp flick of the wrist, and it snapped against his balls audibly making Merlin jerk, screaming at the ceiling.

"Fuck! Yes, please, oh God, please don't stop, I'll do anything, sir, please..."

Arthur hit him twice more in quick succession, holding Merlin's traitorous knees open for him with his free hand.

"Oh God Arthur, please...please..."

"Please what?" Arthur said sweetly, tapping a rhythm against Merlin's swollen bag again. "I told you not to speak."

"I asked!" Merlin wailed.

Arthur struck him hard, across his nipples, twice over his thighs before he went back to tapping Merlin's balls.

Merlin twisted, screaming, his cock straining against the ring.

"You know the answer I gave wasn't indefinite. You weren't given permission to speak. But you can't help yourself, can you?"

"No," Merlin sobbed, sagging in the ropes. "No, I...it's perfect, so I...just want to make sure...to make sure you know that I love it. That's all, sir." He said whispering. Arthur stopped his tapping, making Merlin arch deliciously.

"That's beautiful Merlin. You're exquisite. Just for that, I'm going to fuck you so hard, you'll see stars."

Merlin bucked. Searched in vain for Arthur's lips but Arthur only kissed his nose. The side if his neck. His ear.

"Twelve with my hand, love. And then all is forgiven. Are you ready?"

"Yes, please!"

The first slap he took over the top of his left thigh which made him jump. Everything was bruised or burning. They continued like that, and then to the insides of his thighs, and when Arthur slapped his balls, Merlin almost came despite the cock ring.

"Fuck! Please don't stop! Please!"

The last three Merlin took to his cock and balls, and it was everything he needed. He groaned when Arthur purred in his ear about how good he was, how he wasn't counting, how he had done so well. He took Merlin's arms down as he spoke. Untied his thighs from his ankles.

And then forced Merlin down to the bed, his knees to his chest. When Arthur rocked inside they both gave a heavy moan into each others mouths.

Arthur was good to his word. He fucked Merlin hard, until Merlin was clutching at the wings of his shoulder blades, groaning at the ceiling, diamonds tumbling down his spine.

"Please," he moaned. "Please say I can come," he whimpered, lifting his hips and thrusting back harder. Faster. Needing more. Arthur pressed in until Merlin was screaming. Took Merlin's wrists and pinned them to the bed above his head.

"Come for me Merlin," Arthur hissed, fucking him into the mattress. "Come for me."

Merlin was sure Gwaine and Leon could have heard him in the foyer. He came hard, despite the cock ring, slamming into that wall where nothing exists but him and Arthur and the pleasure-pain rising between them and he was fairly certain he came twice but his thighs were shaking and all he could feel was Arthur's cock inside him and the warm rush of Arthur filling him and he dropped hard. Tumbling into space.

Empty.

Arthur was kissing him when he came back and he managed a sloppy return with a moan because Arthur was still inside of him and that was perfect.

"I want you," Merlin whispered between kisses. "I want you."

Arthur smiled. Nipped his bottom lip.

"You've just had me, love."

"I want you on your back. Let me, please?"

Arthur shuddered. Merlin felt him stiffening again and moaned. Rocked down on him. Arthur buried his face in Merlin's neck and let out a small noise. Bit Merlin hard on his collar bone.

"On my back?"

"Please?" Merlin whispered.

Arthur rolled him. Slid out as Merlin came down between his thighs. Stroked him with his hands until Arthur was panting, arching into him. And then Merlin gripped Arthur's bad thigh, making him jerk involuntarily. But Merlin hushed him. Massaged his thigh and his hip and his knee while he stroked Arthur up. And Arthur let out a guttural sound Merlin had never heard him make before. He was addicted instantly.

"Does it feel good?" Merlin asked quietly.

Arthur clutched at the sheets. Arched up in Merlin's hands.

"Don't stop," Arthur said breathlessly. "Please."

Merlin felt dizzy hearing Arthur beg like that. He was hot all over when he pulled his hands off, and Arthur shuddered out a moan and shook his head. When Merlin bent Arthur's leg up, stretched his aching hip until he could feel it, he took him in his mouth, and Arthur gave a shout in ecstasy, bucking back into Merlin's throat.

He came hard, Merlin teasing the climax out of him with lips and tongue and the pressure he kept on Arthur's thigh. Making him thrust for it. Making him grip Merlin's hair and beg him not to stop until he was coming, back bent and neck exposed to the ceiling, screaming Merlin's name, his real name, and letting Merlin swallow him down.

Merlin was spaced out, cheek pressed to Arthur's thigh, so he didn't realize he was hard again until Arthur forced him up on his lap. Made him sit there while he panted and reached in the bedside table.

"Take the upline in your hands," Arthur heaved. "Don't you dare let go."

Merlin was straddling Arthur's hips. Took hold of the still dangling upline in both his hands.

Arthur took hold of him in his fist. Pressed the vibrator to the sensitive underside of his already overstimulated cock. Merlin writhed, bucking against the vibrations, arched his chest and pulled on the upline for leverage, but Arthur held him fast.

"I want you to come on me Merlin," he said, still panting. "Don't let go of the rope. If you do I'll make you come again, however long it takes."

"Oh God," Merlin wailed. "Oh God, please...Arthur! Please!"

"You have one more in you Merlin. I want you all over me."

It was too much, too good, and Merlin came with a muted cry, skin flush to his neck, straining through his climax as Arthur used the vibrator to coax him further. Merlin spilled himself over Arthur's chest and stomach, moaned as he finished.

He kept it on after Merlin had come, until Merlin was jerking, pleading with Arthur to stop, but he hadn't let go, so Arthur did, coming up on his elbow to cradle Merlin's ribs. Pull him down to rest on Arthur's chest.

"God you're perfect Merlin. You were perfect. You did so well for me."

Merlin hummed, pleased. Drifted, bent over Arthur and over sensitized. He shuddered at every shape Arthur drew with his nails into his shoulders. Breathed one last request into Arthur's sweat damp chest.

"Bite me," he whispered. "Make it hurt."

Arthur grinned against his shoulder. Flipped him gently so that he was leaning over Merlin, pressed between Merlin's long legs. Merlin's thighs draped his hips, and he stared up at Arthur with those blown out, glacial blue eyes and accepted the kiss Arthur gave him on his lips with a purr.

Arthur bit him hard, on the soft underside of his arm, pinning it to the bed and sinking his teeth in, making Merlin arch and strangle down a scream that became a mewling moan as Arthur sucked the mark, making sure it bruised.

Merlin thought he might have passed out, he was so happy and sated, if Arthur wasn't lifting him, carrying him into the massive bathroom with his strong arms under his knees, behind his shaking shoulders.


	2. Self-Defense 103 Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin calls Leon for some help. Leon calls for backup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a dropped thread in the Room Number Seven Universe. I always imagined that Merlin would make this call sometime after Chapter 10 when Leon and Elyan come looking for him outside of the club he's been drinking at all night. It never really fit into the pace of the story though, so I didn't include it in the larger narrative. I do, however, still consider it canon. So please enjoy some non-explicit fun with the boys 💋 and keep an eye out for Part II coming soon!

* * *

Leon frowned at his phone, pausing in the dispatch he was writing to Percival when a text message displayed on his lock screen.

> I need your help with something.

He reached for the phone. It pinged again before he could unlock it.

> I know it's your day off.
> 
> I can wait if it's a bad time.

Leon thumbed open his phone. Typed a quick response with a roll of his eyes.

> I don't have days off, Balinor. What do you need?

He set the phone down and finished typing his dispatch, which he sent to Percival over a secured connection. He ran a hand over his face and glanced back down at his phone. Merlin was still typing.

Impatient, Leon leaned back and propped his boots up on the desk, which Gwaine promptly knocked off.

"What's going on?" Gwaine asked, checking the camera feeds around the Estate.

"I don't know," Leon said. "Balinor is writing me a fucking book I guess."

Gwaine chuckled.

Finally, Leon's phone pinged.

He read the message over twice, and a slow smile began to take over his normally neutral expression. Gwaine paused in his work. Raised an eyebrow.

"Why does that look give me a bad feeling?" He said with a sigh. But Leon was already up and moving to the door, throwing on his leather jacket as he went.

"I'll be back later, Balinor needs my help."

Gwaine leaned back over the chair at that.

"Oy! Is everything okay?"

Leon was waving him off.

"Yeah, yeah it's fine. No threat. I just need a few hours. I'll text you the address."

Gwaine nodded, amused and a little surprised by how energized Leon looked. He wondered what on earth Merlin has messaged him about.

Then he heard the sound of Leon's Charger in the drive, and a text message flashed over the screen of his phone.

Gwaine read the address, and grinning, called Arthur.

"Gwaine?" Arthur answered, right to the point. He sounded distracted.

"Hey Boss," he said jovially, leaning back in his chair. "What are you doing today?"

There was a pause, and Gwaine couldnt help but smile wider as he listened to the papers Arthur was shuffling come to a halt on his desk.

"You know what I'm doing today," Arthur said. "I pay you to know what I'm doing at all times."

"True, very true," Gwaine replied agreeably. "I just thought maybe your schedule was a little packed. You should take a break."

Arthur let out an exasperated sound through his nose. He must be alone, Gwaine thought. Arthur never showed that kind of emotion in the office among his peers. Gwaine was already mapping a route to Arthur's London office park.

"What is this?" He said. "I'm busy today."

"Trust me Boss," Gwaine said, plugging the route into his secured phone. He knew all possible ways to reach Arthur, wherever he was, at any given time. But they all kept logs. Just in case.

"Trust you that I need to take a break?" Arthur asked dubiously.

"I'll pick you up in fifteen," Gwaine said. "South Exit. And call George. I'll drive you today."

"Anything else, your majesty?" Arthur snarked.

"Yeah," Gwaine replied. "I'm bringing your rope."

* * *

"Don't lean into the bag," Leon said.

He's gentle with his criticism. Merlin isn't sure what he thought would happen once they'd started, but given Leon's brash personality, he expected some good natured ribbing, at the very least. But there was no judgement from Leon, just honest adjustments. Merlin let out a breath through his nose and straightened his back.

"Show me again?" He said, a little out of breath. They'd been at it for an hour at least.

Leon stepped out from behind the heavy bag, letting it go so that it wouldn't swing. Merlin took a step back.

"This is what you're doing," Leon said. He lifted his hands, lowering his shoulders, and squaring off with the bag, demonstrated a slower version of Merlin's attempt to punch. His body followed the movement of his arm, and his elbow and shoulder caved when he hit the bag.

Merlin ran a hand through his sweaty bangs. Despite Leon saying it was wrong, he didn't see what the problem was. Leon's fist had still made a pretty significant dent in the leather.

Leon rolled his shoulders back, adjusting his posture as he spoke.

"When you lean into the bag, or the body, or whatever it is your punching, you see how my elbow collapses a little? It makes my shoulder roll in. When that happens you're losing all the power in your punch. You might hit the guy, but all it's going to do is make him angry."

Merlin snorted.

"Okay, that makes sense," he agreed.

"When you throw a punch, you're not throwing it from here," Leon said, taking Merlin's wrist and slapping the inside of his forearm. "You're throwing it from here," he continued, striking Merlin lightly on the outside of his thigh. "And here," he finished, slapping Merlin on his shoulder blade.

Merlin still wasn't sure he understood how you throw a punch with your legs. It must have shown on his face because Leon laughed at him.

"Okay, okay," Leon said, squaring off with the bag. "Watch me. I'll do it once fast. Then I'll slow it down. Try to see where those points engage. It'll make more sense if you can see it."

Merlin stepped back again. Concentrated on Leon's thigh. His hip. When Leon punched the bag, it was like thunder rolling through the small gym. But in that split second Merlin's exceptional mind saw what Leon wanted it to see. As he drew back his fist, he chambered it below his shoulder. And when he did, his thigh and hip turned just slightly. When he struck out at the bag, arm extending, Merlin thought he could actually see the ripple effect of that movement, drawing power from his thigh, up past his hip, and into his shoulder. He was using the subtle movement of his center of gravity to narrow the focus of his punch, concentrating the force of it into a small, powerful point. This was simple physics. This was something Merlin could understand.

"Hang on," Merlin said. "Do it again fast."

Leon brought his hands up. Merlin watched closely. He saw it again, when Leon punched the bag. He was sure of it.

"Okay," Merlin said, a little excited by the revelation. "Let me try."

Leon stepped back.

"I'm not going to hold the bag this time, so I can watch you. Keep your wrist straight. Thumb untucked. A swinging bag is easier to injure yourself on. I don't want to have to call Elyan."

Merlin gave him a deadpan look. Leon grinned.

Merlin wasn't a fighter, never had been. But he had some experience with it for a number of reasons. And he was strong. Leon had said as much, when they had sparred, so Leon could assess what Merlin's skill level would be.

He had muscle on him, and when he positioned himself correctly, he had the power to do some damage. But he didn't have the experience to put it to good use.

"You've got strong legs, Merlin," Leon had said. "Use them."

He took a deep breath. Imagined Leon's punch in his head. And threw.

He missed the bag entirely. But it was distance not form. Leon whistled.

"That was good. Do it again. Stand a little closer. You're going to have to compensate now that you aren't leaning forward."

Merlin blew his bangs out of his eyes. Tried again.

It took him three tries. But on his last attempt, when his fist met the bag, the sound of it detonated against his knuckles.

Leon's hands went up.

"Yes!" He crowed.

Merlin grinned.

"That felt good," he said, a little breathlessly.

"Glad to hear it," Leon said good-naturedly as he took his place behind the bag once more. "Now do it fifty more times with each hand. Count them out."

Merlin stared at him, flabbergasted.

" _Fifty_ times each?"

Leon sighed.

"Merlin, I hate to break it to you buddy but no one is going to turn you into a defense expert overnight. So I'm only going to teach you this one punch, and one take-down over and over and over again until you're so sick of it you'll start doing it in your dreams. And when you actually need it, muscle memory will do the thinking for you, instead. Got it?"

Merlin's wrists ached. Leon had taped them for him, but he had to shake them out anyway.

"Okay," Merlin sighed. "That makes sense."

"Of course it does. Now count them out."

Merlin did.

* * *

Arthur wasn't sure what to expect when he walked into the outbuilding at Cavendish he'd converted into a boxing gym at Gwaine's request. He was carrying a black duffle bag, which Gwaine had passed to him, and by it's weight he knew Gwaine hadn't been fucking with him when he'd said he was bringing Arthur's rope.

As they crossed the muddy lawn, Arthur could hear the sounds of a scuffle in the gym. He could hear Leon, and he immediately assumed Gwaine was trying to get him to let off some steam by sparring with them. Although he still wasn't sure what the rope was for.

"Down!" Leon grunted. "Drop your weight, or you aren't going to - Oh fuck!"

And then there was the sound of Leon shouting incoherently, and the explosion of two bodies hitting the mat.

Arthur rubbed his eyes. As much as he appreciated the gesture, he worked out with Gwaine and Percival enough during the week. They'd all served in the same unit in Afganistan, along with Bedivere, with the exception of Elyan, who, despite his medical training, was drafted into the intelligence unit. They'd only encountered the soft spoken man a handful of times during their deployment. But it had left an impression on Arthur.

"You dragged me out here for a sparring session in the middle of a work day?" He groused, a little petulantly maybe, since it was only Gwaine by his side.

The bigger man looked comically aghast.

"Give me a little more credit than that!"

Arthur rolled his eyes.

And as they approached the door he heard Leon shouting again.

"What the fuck was that?" He was saying.

"I did what you told me to do!" Merlin hollered back. And the sound of his voice richocheted right through Arthur's body. He jogged the rest of the way to the door.

"I know!" Leon snapped. "It was goddamned perfect, do it again!"

Gwaine held the door as they entered and closed it softly so as not to disturb the two men on the mats. Arthur stared, his gaze fixed on Merlin, who hadn't noticed them yet.

Leon lunged at Merlin. Arthur knew this technique - it was a favorite of the broad soldier. He took hold of the collar of Merlin's shirt in his fist, and grabbed him under his forward knee, bodily lifting Merlin up onto one leg.

Arthur took an involuntary step forward. But he needn't have worried. Merlin took hold of the back of Leon's neck, pulling his head down into Merlin's chest. And then in one fluid motion, lifted his standing leg up onto Leon's hip, dropping all of his weight onto the back of Leon's neck. The two of them tumbled down onto the mat with a crash, and Merlin used the momentum of his back hitting the mat, and the strength in his legs to roll the two of them, so that he was freed from Leon's grip.

Then Merlin got up, presumably to attempt to get out of Leon's reach to complete the exercise, and stopped dead when he saw Arthur standing at the edge of the mat.

Gwaine cupped his hands over his mouth.

"Get him Merlin! That was great!"

Leon was pulling himself up, rubbing the back of his head.

"Jesus," he was muttering.

Arthur was grinning, watching the slow reddening of Merlin's cheeks.

"What's all this?" He said, since it appeared that Merlin was unable to reply without prompting.

"Balinor wanted Self-Defense 101," Leon said. "But he lied. He should be taking 103. I think I have a concussion."

At that, Merlin rolled his eyes.

"Oh please, your head didn't even hit the mat."

"How would you know, you were too busy beating me up to notice."

Merlin tilted his head. Gave Leon a sardonic look.

"Oh yes, because you're such a delicate flower."

"I am!" Leon said. "Gwaine, tell him I am."

"He is," Gwaine said, a little apologetically.

Leon pointed at Gwaine as if to say, _'You see? I told you.'_

And Arthur laughed. It was loud, and it startled them all, even him.

Gwaine slapped Arthur on the back.

"Looks like we came at a good time!"

Merlin was running his hands through his sweaty hair self-consciously.

"What time is that?" He said.

Leon let out a breath through his nose. Put a hand on Merlin's shoulder.

"There's some things I can't teach you, but you should have the chance to learn, all the same. If you're not up for it we'll call it a wash. But I think it's a good idea."

Abruptly Arthur understood. Wondered why he hadn't thought of it himself.

"Rope ties," Arthur said, lifting the dufflebag. "I'm going to teach you how to get out of them. And Leon and Gwaine will spot us."

Merlin looked immediately uncomfortable.

Arthur stepped out of his muddy boots, crossed the mats in his socks to where Leon and Merlin were standing, barefoot.

"It looks like you both have been working hard," he said. "Leon take a break."

"Oh thank God," Leon said, already jogging to where Gwaine was standing. "Balinor is a slave driver. We'll be back in fifteen!" He called over his shoulder, he and Gwaine heading to the locker room.

Arthur waited to hear the door close before speaking. Merlin was fidgeting a little.

"I take it Leon didn't warn you about this?"

Merlin shook his head.

"Me either," he said, setting the dufflebag down. At that Merlin glanced up at him.

"Gwaine didn't tell you?" He prompted. Arthur shook his head.

"You don't like the idea of them being in the room, when I tie you up," Arthur said. It wasn't a question. Merlin glanced at the locker room door, and then back at Arthur.

"No," he agreed softly.

"I understand," Arthur replied. "But if I'm going to teach you how to self-suspend, I can't spot you on my own." He knocked his knuckles on his hip, apologetically.

Merlin frowned, confused.

"I thought you were going to teach me how to get _out_ of rope ties, not into them."

"You can't do one without the other, Merlin. If I teach you how to tie the knots, when you need to get out of them, it will be easier."

He could see Merlin's mind working. Calculating.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about. They all know how to do it," Arthur added. "Self-suspend."

Merlin's eyebrows hit his hairline. He jerked a thumb at the locker room door.

"Gwaine and Leon?"

"Elyan and Percival, too," Arthur agreed.

"Are they...?" Merlin started to ask something and then, blushing again, stopped himself. Arthur snorted.

"No. They know because it's something I do. And if I were to get into trouble doing it, they have to know how to help."

Merlin took that in. Arthur noted that he wasn't blushing anymore.

"So...it's not weird?" Merlin hedged.

"No," Arthur said gently. "It's not weird. It was their idea. But if you're uncomfortable, like Leon said, we'll call it a wash."

Merlin glanced back at the locker room again. Gave it some thought. Arthur waited patiently.

"If...if I give you the silent signal for red, will you ask them to leave?"

Arthur tilted his head.

"Of course, Merlin. You have my word."

"Okay," Merlin breathed. "I want to try."

Arthur risked a step closer. It was important to separate their sexual encounters from this rope session, but he wanted Merlin to hear him say it, because it was true. Because it needed to be said.

"I'm so proud of you, Merlin."

Those glacial blue eyes swept up to his, and Arthur resisted the urge to kiss him.

"Let's get you something to drink," Arthur said, turning with a guiding hand on the small of Merlin's back. He didn't miss the way Merlin leaned into him, just a little. "And I need to change before we start."

"Arthur?" Merlin said, just as they'd reached the locker room door. Arthur turned to look at Merlin, and was surprised by the soft kiss Merlin planted on his mouth.

"Thank you," Merlin said, holding the door to the locker room open for him.

Arthur blinked.

"For what, Merlin?"

But there was a crash and Gwaine was shouting and Leon ran by cackling at the ceiling.

"LEON YOU LITTLE SHIT - " Gwaine roared, running past them, inexplicably soaking wet.

Arthur and Merlin shared a look.

"Maybe we should wait outside?" Merlin suggested.

"You know Merlin," Arthur said. "I think we should."


	3. Self Defense 103 Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur, Gwaine and Leon teach Merlin the basics of getting out of rope ties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't talk much about the details of Merlin and Sigan's relationship in the main story arc on purpose. It gets in the way of Arthur's relationship with Merlin, by drawing attention to the bad things and not the good ones. And the truth is, when Merlin is with Arthur, he doesn't have much occasion to think about Sigan. 
> 
> But. 
> 
> It's a big part of their relationship, this shadow of Sigan that stands between them. So I gave that a little bit of a voice here in this chapter. Don't judge anyone too harshly in this chapter. We all deal with trauma differently. And it's perfectly okay to just be angry about it, like Arthur is. Or ashamed and confused, like Merlin. 
> 
> There's no right way to experience trauma. 
> 
> There's no right way to work through it. 
> 
> And if you or someone you know has ever experienced abuse, domestic or otherwise, sexual violence, emotional and mental manipulation in any way, by a trusted person or partner in your life, it wasn't your fault. 
> 
> It was never your fault.
> 
> For anyone affected by abuse and needing support, call 1-800-799-7233, or, if you are unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474. You are not alone.

* * *

Merlin was sitting on the mats in front of Arthur, watching him uncoil the rope from his dufflebag. The hanks were very small compared to what they usually worked with. Gwaine and Leon stood nearby, watching. It made Merlin a little nervous. He was in an old Pink Floyd t-shirt and gym shorts. Arthur was in sweats. Nothing about this scenario even remotely suggested sex.

Nothing, except the rope.

Merlin pressed his lips together. Willed himself to put the thought from his mind.

"Okay," Arthur said. "First thing we're going to talk about are more common rope ties than the ones you're familiar with."

Merlin frowned. He was pretty familiar with rope ties. Arthur looked him over, seemed to assess what he was thinking.

"Most people who tie you up," Arthur said slowly. "Aren't going to be complicated or even take their time with it. We'll discuss what options you have for bondage, but first I want to talk about something more common."

Merlin grimaced at the word 'bondage' with Leon and Gwaine within earshot, even though he knew he had nothing to be ashamed about.

"By more common you mean...?" Merlin prompted.

"Someone who is unfamiliar with rope ties," Arthur said, looking him in the eye. "Or someone who isn't using them for intimate reasons."

"He means if you were to get attacked," Leon cut in. "He means if someone were to restrain you against your will."

Merlin swallowed.

Gwaine punched Leon in the shoulder.

"Ow! What?"

"Let the man finish," Gwaine hissed.

But Arthur was focused entirely on Merlin. Watching his posture, his body language. Watching for the signal that would tell him to stop.

"First, I'm going to explain it. Then Gwaine, Leon and I will demonstrate. Then if you want to try, we'll continue. Still good?"

Merlin nodded.

"Still good," he said, though he wasn't entirely sure.

Arthur eyed him a moment longer before he picked up the rope.

"When someone is tying you up, and you can use this in any scenario if you want, the best thing you can do is create space. Even millimeters will go miles for you, so I want you to make this a habit."

"Creating space?" Merlin clarified.

"Creating space," Arthur agreed.

"How do I do that?"

"Two ways," Arthur said. "The first is easy, and the second is harder."

He reached out his hands, still watching Merlin's face.

"So, the easy way," he closed his hands around Merlin's slender wrists. Tightened his grip. "Tense your arms."

Merlin frowned, but did as he was told.

"Do you feel that?" Arthur prompted. Merlin nodded. There was a tight pressure around the bones in Arthur's palms.

"When you tense your muscles, they expand minutely, taking up more space. Now link your fingers, and try it that way."

Merlin did. This time the pressure intensified. He looked up at Arthur.

"Like that?"

"That's good Merlin," Arthur replied. "You're less likely to draw attention to yourself straining to tense your muscles by concentrating too hard, if you link your fingers and focus the pressure on your palms. You can do this for almost any part of your body. I want you to practice it as often as possible, on your own."

Merlin nodded, taking his arms back.

"Okay, what's the hard way?"

Arthur took a deep breath.

"Don't fight it," he said, just as someone grabbed Merlin from behind.

It scared Merlin. He'd been so intent on Arthur, he had no idea who had come up behind him, Leon or Gwaine. He gave a startled shout, started to struggle against the iron grip on reflex alone, when he felt Gwaine's palm on his chest, over his heart.

"Easy Merlin," he said, patting Merlin gently, loosening his hold. "Just proving a point. You're alright. It's just me."

Merlin let a long breath out of his nose. Stayed exactly where he was, arms and knees up, his whole body tense even after Gwaine had completely let him go. It took him long seconds still to lower himself back to the mats as if he hadn't just nearly jumped completely out of his own skin. But no one laughed at him. Arthur had a hard look on his face. Merlin wasn't sure he recognized it.

"Sorry," Merlin said, very quietly.

Arthur shook his head.

"Still good?" He said. Merlin glanced up at him briefly. Nodded.

"Still good."

"Okay," Arthur said on an exhale. "Walk me through what just happened."

"Gwaine grabbed me from behind," Merlin said. "He locked his wrists and pulled me back."

"And what did you do?"

"I struggled."

"This is why it gets difficult from here. All of us, you, me, Leon, Gwaine," Arthur said, nodding to them all. "Want to kick the shit out of anyone who grabs us unexpectedly from behind."

Merlin breathed out a laugh, grateful that the seriousness of their practice had been leveled just a little. It was comforting to hear the others chuckle in agreement.

"Make that two for me, mate," Leon said. Merlin gave him a grateful smile, before turning back to Arthur.

"But if someone is going to tie you up, it's going to happen when they grab you. And the best thing you can do, is not fight it."

Merlin let out another slow breath through his nose.

"Okay," he said. "What do I do, instead?"

"Let it happen," Arthur said.

Merlin closed his eyes.

Gwaine was still crouched down beside him.

"If you struggle," he said gently. "Whoever is tying you up is going to try harder to get it done."

"And the harder they try," Leon added. "The tighter the rope is likely to be. From them pulling on it, from you pulling on it."

"So instead," Arthur said. Merlin opened his eyes. "You have to comply so that you can control the outcome. You did the first step on your own - most people do. You got tense."

Merlin gave Arthur a sardonic look. Arthur gave him an apologetic smile.

"You'd be surprised by how many people don't react at all to someone grabbing them in the first few seconds. People who have no experience with it tend to go blank, trying to process what's happening."

Merlin nodded, looking down at his wrists.

"Right, okay."

Arthur recognized Merlin's defenses, but the tone of Merlin's voice still nettled him. He sounded like he did at Excailbur, when he'd told Arthur he was a business transaction, not a relationship. Cold. Distant. Arthur had known he would need to get Merlin passed it. But it was harder now, seeing it. Seeing him, trying to pretend like he wasn't afraid of this conversation and all that it implied.

"The next thing you need to do is press your elbows to your sides, like this."

Arthur pressed his elbows to his sides, low, near to his hips, and presented his wrists, as if offering them to a constable to be cuffed.

Merlin was giving him a once-over, and Arthur held the position so he could get a good look. Then, without being told, Merlin repeated the gesture.

"Just like that," Arthur said. "Now close your fists and put your knuckles together."

He guided Merlin's hands as he spoke in his own, pressing Merlin's palms together when he was finished.

"So, what you've got here," Arthur said, tapping Merlin's wrists with two fingers. "Is space."

Merlin lifted his hands so he could see. When he put his elbows on his sides, and put his knuckles together, he had made minute gaps between his wrists and palms. Gaps that didn't really look out of place. Just enough for Merlin to see the light between his closed wrists.

"Oh," he said, a little surprised. "I see it."

Arthur offered him a tight, relieved smile in response.

"Good. Now Gwaine, and I are going to demonstrate the theory for you. The first time through we'll do it the wrong way so you can see what happens. Then we'll show you the right one."

Merlin nodded. Gwaine put his hand gently on his shoulder. Merlin blinked up at him.

"Give us some space," he said.

Merlin stood. Took a few steps back from the three of them. Arthur sat on the mats, unmoving, but his face was like stone. Gwaine stood. Stretched out his lower back before addressing Leon.

"Which role do you want to play?" Gwaine said, smiling.

"Toss me the rope," Leon said, rolling his shoulder. "I'm not grabbing him."

Gwaine snorted, tossed Leon the rope.

Merlin thought he was prepared for what was going to happen. He wasn't.

Gwaine threw himself at Arthur, grabbing him from behind and locking his wrists in front of Arthur's chest, just as Leon lunged.

Arthur exploded from Gwaine's initial hold, flailing to get his feet under him, making Gwaine take him under the chin, forcing his head back to disorient him. Leon had dropped all of his weight on Arthur's knees, and rope momentarily forgotten, pressed Arthur's wrists down, so that Gwaine could wrap his legs around Arthur's ribs, pinning his elbows to his sides. The whole time Arthur struggled, wildly, his shirt was riding up on his stomach. Leon and Gwaine were panting.

"You got him?" Leon gasped, still holding Arthur's twisting wrists as best he could. Twice Arthur broke his grip. Twice Leon had to come back at him harder.

"Yeah," Gwaine grunted, pulling Arthur's head back further. Arthur made a small sound in protest. "Fucking take your bloody time."

Leon let one of Arthur's wrists go to grab the rope. Still Arthur struggled. Leon pulled the rope hard, wrapping it quickly and tying it off.

Then Leon slapped Gwaine's thigh.

"Done." He said.

Slowly, Gwaine let Arthur go, while Leon supported him from the front, until all three of them were panting, sitting on the mats like nothing had happened.

Merlin felt cold. It had been the noise Arthur made, when Gwaine pulled his head back, that had done it. It sent a shock through him like ice water poured down the back of your shirt. The sound of nails on a chalkboard. He didn't immediately register that his hands were shaking until Arthur looked up at him. Until they all did, and it was clear in their eyes that something was wrong. His face felt twisted. He put his fingertips on his cheeks to check. They came away wet.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I'm okay."

It was a lie. They all knew it was a lie. But Arthur was tied up and Merlin hadn't given him the red signal, so Arthur, watching Merlin closely, said,

"Come here, love."

Merlin did. He didn't look at Gwaine and Leon. He couldn't. He knelt in front of Arthur, keeping his eyes on the ropes because he couldn't look at Arthur either.

"Try to put your fingers between the ropes and my wrists," Arthur said gently. Merlin tried. He couldn't, even a little. He could see Arthur's skin turning red. He ran his thumb along the edges of the ropes absently.

"That's what happens when you struggle," Arthur said.

Merlin nodded.

"I'm...I'm just going to get a drink," Merlin said quietly. "While you uh...while you get out of this."

He waved his hands vaguely at Arthur's ropes, and then got up before any of them could say anything.

He walked quickly to the small locker room, doing what little he could to stop himself from running. He may have hit the door a little hard when he entered, and once it closed he ran for the stall. His cheeks were burning, sticky with tears and he cried harder as he threw open the stall door and bent double over the toilet. He threw up, heaving, wretched sobs striking him in the ribs with every gag, every choking gasp.

It was that fucking noise.

He'd made the same noise when Sigan had stabbed him. It was such a small noise, really, that there were days when he wondered if he'd imagined it. If he'd actually been screaming but for some reason his brain had redacted the sound into something more manageable. But that wasn't what had happened. Like Arthur, he hadn't been prepared for what was happening to him. It was an involuntary, wholly inaccurate sound given the circumstances.

He heaved and heaved, long after there was anything remaining to throw up, as though his body were trying to expell the very sound from his memory.

That fucking noise.

* * *

Back on the mats, Arthur watched Merlin leave, his face twisted into a scowl.

"Off," he snapped at Leon. "Get it off."

Leon untied Arthur quickly, who stood immediately, but hesitated to walk off the mat. He was glaring at the locker room door. Gwaine and Leon said nothing, recognizing Arthur's anger as against himself, not directed at them.

In the end, Arthur didn't go into the locker room. But none of them spoke for the entire 10 minutes Merlin was gone. When he came back into the gym, Arthur's gaze cleared.

"Take a break," he said to Leon and Gwaine, quietly. The two men left without a word.

Merlin approached Arthur slowly, running one of his hands absently through his bangs. Arthur could see he'd washed his face. His collar was still wet.

When he was only inches away from Arthur, he stopped.

"Sorry," he whispered for the third time that day. Arthur's hands twitched at his sides, and then, stopping himself, said instead,

"Can I touch you, Merlin?"

Merlin nodded.

Arthur enfolded Merlin's slender body into his arms, pressing him as close as he could. One of his hands he had on the back of Merlin's head, his mouth against Merlin's ear.

"I'm okay," he said. "I'm safe. Gwaine and Leon would never hurt me. They'd never hurt you, Merlin."

Merlin's breath hitched on another sob. No tears came, but the echo of them burned at the back of his throat. He clutched at Arthur's shirt. Breathed in the smell of his skin.

"I'm okay," Merlin said. "I didn't mean to worry everyone."

"You didn't," Arthur whispered. "You didn't."

"I want to finish," Merlin said.

Arthur tightened his hold on Merlin. Fought down his first response which was an emphatic _no_.

"Walk me through it," Arthur said quietly instead.

Merlin gave a shuddering breath.

"That was hard to watch, and I didn't know it would be hard," Merlin said into Arthur's throat. "But it will be harder if we don't finish. If I don't see it done the right way."

Arthur let out a breath through his nose.

"Okay, love. You told me you would signal me to stop if you needed to stop."

It wasn't an accusation. Arthur just wanted to remind him. Merlin stepped back. Wiped his face with the back of his hand.

"I wasn't ready," he admitted. "I didn't realize."

Arthur rubbed Merlin's arms, gave him another hard look before saying,

"Find a spot, love."

Merlin did. Arthur called Gwaine and Leon back into the gym, and they resumed their positions. No one looked at Arthur sideways. No one made a big deal out of it. It gave Merlin the space to breathe.

"Ready?" Gwaine said. He was looking at Arthur, but Merlin had a sneaking suspicion that the question was directed at him. This time, they were all standing.

Arthur nodded.

Gwaine and Leon lunged.

Merlin watched closely. He was surprised that the ferocity with which Leon and Gwaine came at Arthur hadn't changed at all. But Arthur's body language changed. When Gwaine grabbed him, Arthur tucked his elbows in at his sides. Went all but limp in Gwaine's arms. As a result, Gwaine grunted, struggling to hold him up, and Merlin realized that he was doing it to give Gwaine the false impression that he was putting up a fight, when it was Gwaine who was struggling. Meanwhile Leon, who was quickly tying Arthur's wrists, finished without yanking back on Arthur's hands.

He slapped Gwaine's bicep.

"Done," Leon said.

It was over in seconds. Merlin took a deep breath. He was okay.

Arthur turned to him. Jerked his chin, indicating Merlin should come back over. He did.

"Try to put your fingers between my skin and the ropes," Arthur said, as he had done the first time. Merlin did. This time he could separate the ropes from Arthur's wrist, minutely. Enough to get between them and Arthur's skin.

Then, without preamble, Arthur sat on the ground, put his wrists between his knees, and pulled.

The rope slid off, uncoiling at his feet, still tied in knots at the ends.

Merlin blinked.

Arthur stood, ran a hand through his hair.

"That's enough for today, I think," he said.

"Yeah," Leon said, stretching. "I don't need you fucking up my pretty face."

"Why?" Gwaine said. "Your hand can't see your face."

Leon took a swing at him. Gwaine put him in a headlock and dragged him the rest of the way to locker room, Leon shoving him, trying to fend him off.

The door to the locker room closed. There was the sound of running water and a gurgled _"FUCK"_ from behind the door. Merlin stared at it, wondering, and also not really wanting to know.

"Merlin?"

He turned. He was exhausted. He didn't want to see the look on Arthur's face, but he did see it, all the same.

"Let's put on some shoes. It's a short walk to the main house. No need to change."

Merlin nodded. Followed Arthur out into the snow in his boots and gym shorts and wool coat. Arthur walked him through the hedgerow, into the back entrance, one hand on Merlin's back, between his shoulders.

When they got inside, boots off, Arthur sat Merlin down at the round table in the kitchen, and poured him a glass of orange juice before he went looking through the pantry. Merlin drank it slowly. Spoke without prompting, when Arthur began to fill a pot with water.

"I didn't scream," he said. "When it happened. I'd always thought it was strange, that I didn't scream. In horror movies, when the victim gets stabbed, they're always screaming."

Arthur dropped the pot in the sink. The sound of iron meeting steel detonated in the tiny kitchen. Merlin jumped. Arthur just stared at the pot.

"Sorry Merlin," he said, already reaching into the sink to right the pot. "Please continue."

Merlin watched Arthur a moment longer before he did.

"I did fight back," he whispered. "But not until after he left. I remember there was this...black cat greeting card I had taped to the wall. Gwen gave it to me. For some reason, behind the blindfold, that's all I could think about. That stupid black cat. And I remember the noises I made. These...small...pathetic sounds in the back of my throat. I couldn't feel it. The..."

He stopped short. Arthur was adjusting the burners on the stove.

"The knife," he said for Merlin.

"The knife," Merlin agreed. "It was just a pressure and then nothing. At least for the first few seconds. I didn't realize what was happening so the only sound that I made...was so tiny. So fragile."

"Do you think," Arthur said slowly, stirring the water now, one of his hands in the pocket of his sweatpants. "That if you had screamed while he was in the apartment, things would have turned out differently?"

"He might have gotten scared that someone would come by. He might have left," Merlin said earnestly.

Arthur waited a beat to respond.

"But do you think, things would have turned out differently?"

Merlin hesitated. Then said,

"No. I don't."

Arthur set the spoon down. Came over to where Merlin was sitting. Said very seriously,

"It wasn't your fault, Merlin."

"I put myself in that situation."

"No," Arthur said. "You had no reason not to trust him. He was your partner."

"He made me believe that obedience and love were the same thing," Merlin whispered feircely. "And now Leon is teaching me how to punch, and you're teaching me how to get out of rope ties, and if I hadn't been so stupid in the first place, none of this would be necessary."

He was crying again, but this time they were angry tears, brightening his blue eyes. Arthur pulled him forward by the back of his hot neck. Pressed Merlin's face into his stomach. Merlin clutched at his shirt. Cried harder.

"Wanting to live a life without fear Merlin, isn't something to be ashamed of," he said, looking down at the top of Merlin's head. "You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"I didn't _do_ anything," Merlin said, meaning about Sigan.

"You're doing something now. You survived. He can't hurt you now. And wanting to be sure that other people can't hurt you either, doesn't make you a weak person, Merlin. It doesn't."

Merlin sobbed into Arthur's t-shirt.

"I just want to have one fucking day in my life when I don't think about him!" Merlin shouted into Arthur's stomach. "I want my peace back!"

For a long time, Arthur couldn't respond. He let Merlin cry, because if he opened his mouth now, Merlin would know he was crying too.

"You'll find it Merlin," Arthur said finally. "I know you will."

"How do you know?" Merlin said, quiet and exhausted, his cheek resting against Arthur's bad hip.

"It's just something about you, Merlin," Arthur said. "That's how I know."

Merlin didn't respond.

Arthur said nothing more.

Eventually he was able to coax Merlin into one of the bedrooms to lie down while he continued making something for them to eat. He checked his watch. When he got back to the kitchen, Gwaine was standing over the pot on the stove, stirring it idly.

"I called the office. Told them you'd be back in the morning."

Arthur watched him for a long moment.

"I'm going to stay here with Merlin tonight."

Gwaine nodded. "Yeah, I know."

A silence passed, and then,

"Arthur..."

"Don't," Arthur said. "It was a good idea. It wasn't anyone's fault."

Gwaine looked into the pot, frustrated, but seemed to accept the answer.

"How is he?"

Arthur glanced at the bedroom. Back to the kitchen.

"Just...let me finish that, Gwaine," Arthur said quietly. His head of security looked up at his tone. Set the wooden spoon on the edge of the pot.

He approached Arthur slowly, until they were nearly chest to chest. Arthur stared past him, pretending to watch the pot.

"If you don't let someone help you once in a while," he said gently. "You'll have nothing left to help everyone else."

Arthur's face twisted.

Gwaine left him alone, standing in the middle of the empty kitchen, letting the pot on the stove boil over.


End file.
